Reasons
by Harukami
Summary: Rrr. The Slayers fic I WISH I were well-known for. Garv/Valgarv, and Xelloss/Valteria. Yes, I know. It makes my head hurt too. Post-TRY, yaoi (obviously) - a look into why people might have behaved the way the did.


Mmmmm... Slashinesss....  Reasons  Author's Prologue 

Harukami: Well, I've been told that this fic just screams 'sequel'. 

Fic: SEQUEL! SEQUEL! 

Harukami: Shaddap, you! _ hits it _ Damned thing, knew I shouldn't let it hang around with D. Inanimate things like hands and fics shouldn't speak... 

Fic: Well, it's hardly my fault is it? _ smokes pipe _ A good story should have some life to it and - 

Harukami: _ ignoring it _ But, no, I am not working on a sequel, for those of you who would try to hunt me down and kill me. Anyway, yes this is a bit weird. It is also yaoi as all heck, and confusing. I know that. You know that. Try to sit through and read it anyway. 

Fic: I feel so used... 

Harukami: Warning! This is based off the ANIME! Not the novels, nor the manga. It'd be kinda difficult to base it off the novels, what with TRY not being there, but as it is, it's based off the ANIME knowledge and the ANIME background, so the things that are n/a in the novels ARE applicable here, kay? And, yeah yeah yeah, some of you might go "KYAA! Xelloss-sama is OOC!" and sd and skitter around, but remember, folks, he's about 1000 years younger than he is in the series, and I _ tried _ to portray that. In the bits in the present, he acts pretty much normal. And even in the past, what he says isn't necessarily what he means. So ... uh... just read it. Yeah. Um. Go on. What're you still looking here for? Shoo...  Webmaster's Notes 

blue = flashback, but not a dream flashback 

Valteria opened his eyes. 

Odd. Everything was blurry. He tried to focus and only succeeded in crossing his eyes. Tried to curse, but all that emerged were noises. His muscles weren't working properly. Beginning to panic, he forced his weakened arm to raise.. showing to him a tiny, pudgy hand. 

_ That's right_, he remembered. _ I'm a baby again. _

But... my memories are more blurry than my eyes... that can't.. that's not right... 

Panic filled his throat as he concentrated but could barely remember anything. _ I must remember! Memory is the only thing I have left! _

"What's the matter?" a woman's voice cooed as strong arms raised him. "How's little Valgarv... Valteria today?" Blonde hair fell around him like a shower. 

_ Valgarv _ Rough voice, bad attitude, hair shorn, part Mazoku... the image came to him oddly, as if it was outside him while at the same time being part of him... similar to looking into a mirror and not recognizing his own face. But... _ That's who I used to be, wasn't it? Yes, that's right! I was Valgarv! Garv-sama gave me his name! _ A lump gathered in his throat and he could almost see his mind swerve away from... something. _ And this lady is... Filia! Gold. Gold Dragon. The Gold Dragons... _ Blood in the air. Gold spears flashing. Falling. Warm arms, holding him, rocking him. Pained blue eyes. 

_ Why? _

A toy; clacking wooden cherries. A little girl's face lit up excitedly, aqua hair being brushed away from over-large child's eyes. 

_ The Gold Dragons killed my people. _ That phrase seemed familiar if somehow distant, as if it were a mantra repeated so many times it had lost meaning. And, a newer realiziation: _ Her people are dead now too. _

_ Why? _ Somehow, he didn't want to think about the how or the why. Blood. _ No, just try to remember other things. _

Filia was rocking him, singing him a lullabye. 

Faces. Names. They were coming back. 

Foremost, accompanied with faint echoes of anger that didn't fit anymore: A small woman, fiery hair and eyes and temper... so much power for that one body... _ Lina. Lina Inverse. I... hated her. Oh, how I hated her. _

_ Why? _

_ NO! Don't think of that. _

Blue skin with rough, golem rocks out of place on the body of a young man, one visable eye showing tiredness and anger... _ Uh... Zelgadis, I think. He was a chimera. One of Lina's friends. Didn't like him either. _

Long red hair, like a tassle, muscles like stone, Mazoku eyes... _ NO! NONONO! NOT YET! _

Dark hair, face and height of a girl barely into adolescence but a body advanced beyond her years. _ Amelia, wasn't it? She had a crush on Zelgadis. Fairly powerful shamanist, wasn't she? _

Tall blond swordsman, dumb but with an innate genius with the sword... oh, that sword. That sword. Go...lun...nova... yes. That was it. And the swordsman... _ That was Gourry. In love with Lina and fighting to protect her at every turn. Heh, and he was prettier than her, too. _

Last, purple shoulder-length hair swinging in the wind, always smiling, always... or was it always? Eyes turned up with happieness... yet... no, they'd been open, Mazoku shards of ameythest glaring malevolently. Malevolent? Happy? Aura, black as night. Pain. Joy. Pain again. No, joy... _ Xelloss. I... I... _ His memories were all confused, two layers in one spot, a deck shuffled with half the cards hidden. 

His eyes were closing as the Gold Dragon rocked him to and fro. _ I'm so tired... I can figure it all out later. I just hope I don't... _

_ Dream. _

Valteria landed and ran through the fields, morphing into his full hominid form as he did so - in case anyone flew overhead and noticed him, he wouldn't want that - laughing. 

_ Stupid, stupid elders! _ They'd sent him out to gather water to fill the private source, but how could they expect him NOT to take advantage of the beautiful day?! He'd gone far enough away that they wouldn't find him quickly - out of the high hills and down to a level with grass and flowers whose scents filled the air like a haze. 

Wind filled Valteria's long hair, making it fly out behind the young Dragon like a cape as he ran. He knew what he was heading for, having escaped the dull everyday this direction before. 

The river. 

Wild and free, it was a symbol of hope for Valteria; the opposite of the closed lands he had been forced to remain in, yet still opposite of the damned desert menacing too closely. 

He allowed himself a moment of guilt. Of course, since the Kouma War began, the elders had wanted to keep the young back, safe. 

_ But ** I ** am no hatchling! I am Valteria, Ancient Dragon! _

Slowing as he came to the river, breathing hard, he realized something was different. Someone was there. 

Or, at any rate, someone had just BEEN there, leaving his clothes on a nearby rock. _ Probably swam downriver. _

Maybe it was another Dragon! Valteria, kept inside Ancient Dragon territory, had rarely had a chance to see the other Dragon races. 

But, no, upon examining the clothes more closely, Valteria realized that no Dragon would ever wear anything like that. The cloak was too heavy, confining. The other clothes, possibly; the pants for sure, but not the cloak. He fingered the garment. 

"Sumiemasen," a voice said amusedly, accompanied by the splashing sound of someone pulling themselves out of water. "But those are mine." 

Valteria dropped the cloak, flush already beginning on his pale cheeks. "I wasn't going to steal them!" he protested, turning to look at the newcomer. 

The stranger chuckled, eyes shut in a smile. He wiped wet purple hair off his face, tucking the strands behind his ear. "I didn't say you were. You can look at them if you want, but after the sun's dried me off, I'll want them back." 

Running a finger over the red gems imbedded in the cloak's clasp, Valteria murmured, "You don't look like a Dragon." 

"Perhaps because I'm not a Dragon." Glancing over, Valteria saw that the stranger had draped his long, thin body over a rock and was sunning himself, light playing off the droplets clinging to him. 

"What are you, then?" Suddenly remembering the elder's horror stories, he dropped the cloak and skidded backwards. "You aren't Mazoku, are you?!" 

The stranger's smile widened. "Mazoku?" Disbelief and amusement laced his voice. "Aren't they supposed to be giant tentacled horrors?" He indicated his nude body with a wave of his hand. "Do I look like a tentacled horror?" 

"Not at all," Valteria admitted, cursing his pale complexion that so allowed for easy blushing. _ Most DEFINITELY not... _ "So you're... human?" 

"It certainly seems that way, doesn't it?" 

"Yes. I - I'm Valteria," the young Dragon said awkwardly, "one of the Ancient Dragons." 

The stranger bobbed his head amiably. "Pleased to meet you." He pushed himself to one elbow. "You can call me Xel." 

Valteria smiled suddenly. "That's a strange name." Harsh, almost, not flowing like all the Ryuzoku names were. 

"Only the one I was given," Xel shrugged. "What are you doing here? I always wanted to see a Dragon, but never expected one so close." 

The Dragon blanched at the question. "Oh no! I'd better be getting back before they notice I'm gone!" He realized suddenly how much of a child he must have just seemed to this human. "I mean, uh..." 

Xel laughed. "Don't worry, I understand. It's too beautiful a day to be stuck doing chores, ne, Val-kun?" 

Valteria shot him a greatful smile. "That's what I thought, but - " a sudden thought occured to him. _ If the man wants to see Dragons... _ "Hey! Do you want to come back and meet everyone?" 

The ever-present smile faltered for a moment, then was back full-force. "Thank you, but I don't think strangers would be very welcome, what with the war and all. But," Xel raised a finger, "if you want to make up for it, sneak out tonight and meet me here. We can keep talking then, ne?" Something sparkled behind his closed eyes. 

Valteria felt his face light up. "Okay!" He wanted to know more about this strange creature, this human, this... Xel. He felt his cheeks colour again, but didn't mind. "I can do that!" Excitement thrummed through him, and he pulled his wings out with half a thought, barely noticing the stranger's eyebrows shoot up at his easy transformation to half-Ryuu. He turned and pushed himself into the air, his wings kicking up dust from the grass. Remembering, he shouted back over his shoulder, "See you then!" 

He opened his eyes again. 

_ So_, Valteria thought. _ That was a memory. I know it was. _ Absently, he spat out the bottle Filia was trying to feed him. _ So why had I thought that I had never met him until I was half-Mazoku and in Garv-sama's care... I am SURE I... _

His heart sank as he realized what might have happened and Filia took advantage of the lapse in fighting to stick the bottle back in his mouth. He began drinking when it became apparent that the Gold Dragon wasn't going to give up anytime soon. _ Garv-sama altered my memory. He must have. _ It explained the two layers of memory. But... 

_ But WHY? I know he loved me, I know it! _ That was one thing he had no doubt about, knowing his Garv-sama. _ So why would he DO that? _

Filia put the bottle away and lifted him to her shoulder, patting his back and bouncing him. Even as it startled a burp from him, he felt his eyelids growing heavy, the milk going to his head as wine once had. A grumpy annoyance filled him. 

_ Damn it, do babies really ** need ** this much sleep?! _ was his last coherant thought. 

Months of meeting Xel had passed, and Valteria finally had to bring up the subject that had alternately been worrying and embarrassing him. And he... needed... to talk to Xel about it. 

"The elders have figured out I've been sneaking away these past few months," Valteria told him nervously, playing with the fabric of his pants and peeking out at Xel's moonlit face from under his hair. 

Xel cocked an eyebrow. "Then they didn't forbid you to come? I'm surprised." That was all, no further comment. 

Valteria fought a blush and failed. _ Damn. _ Maybe it wasn't noticeable in the night lighting. "They... uh... thought I was seeing a lover and... uh... told me that as long... as long as I didn't shame the tribe I could... keep... seeing 'her." His cheeks were burning terribly hot. This wasn't as easy as he'd hoped it would be. 

The constant smile was surprised. "Why are you embarrassed about that?" Oh no, Xel COULD see him blushing! "You're the right age for your first lover and you're certainly good-looking enough to get one. It's a natural assumption. So why the blush?" 

Self-conciously, the Dragon covered his cheeks. "I... don't know... it's just... you know, it's you." _ Oh, why can't this be easier?!? _

"You don't think that I could be a lover to someone?" Xel asked curiously. _ He HAD to take it like that, didn't he?!? _

He was worried his cheeks would burn off. "It's... it's not that! I just don't think that, um, you could be a lover to... me." Had he said enough? Wasn't it enough?! 

"Because I'm male?" 

Um... "That's part of it, yeah." He didn't think he'd ever been so desperately embarrassed. 

Xel laughed. "That's not a problem." Not a ... huh? "It's just usually frowned upon by societies with low populations. But you Dragons live so long that I can't see that as a problem. What else, then? Because I'm not a Dragon?" 

_ Why was he asking all these questions? Curiousity, or... _ he could never tell with the other man. "...Yeah." 

"Ah, but you can take on a form so close to being human that there _ is _ no difference. That would take care of all the physical barriers... unless it's that you're not attracted to me?" The tone of his voice was mild, just questioning. 

Oh, Cepheed! Valteria felt his heart race. _ Why did he have to ask ** that**?! _ He could swear his cheeks were steaming by now, and couldn't think of a single intelligent thing to say. "A...ano... I..." 

The purple-haired man laughed, and Valteria could only hope it was at the expression that must be on his face. "You don't have to answer that if you don't want to. But for the sake of this most _ interesting _ debate, let's say you are." 

_ KYAAAAA! _ "O...okay." He hated his complexion, oh, how he hated it. 

"So, we're physically compatable and you're attracted to me... in this debate. Do you like me?" 

Now there was a question Valteria could answer. He was almost angry Xel had asked it. "Of course I do!" he protested. "In this debate or not, I like you more than I've ever liked anyone!" _ Cepheed, did I just say that? _

Xel's smile gentled and Valteria felt something inside him just melt. "I'm glad. I like you too." _ Oh... _ "Back to the debate, then. Do you love me?" 

Valteria's throat closed convulsively and he felt faint. That was a question he'd been hoping to avoid. What could he say?! "I... don't understand." Now he sounded stupid. But... 

"No," Xel mused, "I do know how difficult this question is." His smile was somewhere between reminiscent and satisfied and anticipetory. "Do you want to share the deepest parts of yourself, in any fashion possible with me..." a long pause, almost too long, and then Xel added, "in the debate." 

_ Share the deepest parts of yourself... oh gods... gods above and below... Cepheed... _ "Yes. Yes, that's right." As he said it, Valteria didn't know whether to hope that Xel would assume that he meant in the debate or not. 

Watching Xel lay back and smile up at the night sky, Valteria felt his heart convulse again. "So, if you had wanted me as a lover, we'd be compatable, you could be attracted to me, you like me and maybe even love me. So... I don't think it's that strange an idea." 

"Uh..." Valteria couldn't move his eyes away from Xel's profile, from the way the moonlight shone on those lips and the eyelashes, always smiling. "Maybe... what I meant was... that I don't think that you _ would _ be a lover to me." _ Oh gods. I said that. Oh gods. I didn't, did I? Oh GODS... _

Xel sat up and turned towards him, smile stunned. 

"Does cute little Val-chan need his diaper changed?" Filia's voice cooed, waking him. "Yes, he does!" 

_ How embarrassing! _ Valteria tried to scoot away but was caught by the Gold Dragon's quick arms. _ This is so unfair! _

"No trying to run away from Filia-mama!" the Gold Dragon sang. "You're dirty, so we have to get you clean!" 

_ Think of something else_, Valteria commanded himself, trying not to die of embarrassment. Unfortunately, that brought him back to the dream. _ No, memory. I KNOW it was a memory. _

_ I can't believe it. I wanted /Xelloss/ for a lover? No, not Xelloss_, Valteria corrected himself. _ Xel, the person Xelloss was pretending to be. I didn't know anything about him. Xel was just... Xel. And he'd been hiding everything. _

Was... was that why Garv-sama erased that memory? Because I was in love with Xel? Did he do it to make me fall in love with ** him**? 

Valteria burst into a wild wail of tears. Filia immediately set in to try to comfort him, but he didn't care. _ NO! My Garv-sama! It doesn't matter, I don't care! Even if he DID ** make ** me fall in love with him, it was still love! I loved Garv! I still do! _ Filia had picked him up and was making shushing noises while bouncing him. _ Garv-samaaaa! I loved you! Why did you have to die?! I wanted to do your will but even that failed, and now, I can only mourn! Garv-sama! _

Slowly, he began to wind down and stop crying. _ So I loved Garv. And I used to love Xelloss - no, Xel. But it doesn't matter. Garv is... dead. And Xelloss hates me. I hate him, too. I think. _ He wasn't sure any more. _ I was in love with Xel. Maybe that's why he hates me now. He is Mazoku. _

I have to find out, Valteria decided. _ I have to dream some more! _ He tried to go to sleep. 

And couldn't. His body was just too wide awake. 

All night, he stayed awake, waking Filia often as he cried from sheer frustration. It wasn't until morning had arrived that he was able to drop off. 

Xel sat up and turned towards him, smile stunned. "I beg your pardon?" 

Valteria toyed with the material of his pants. "Nothing," he whispered. He shouldn't have said it. He knew he shouldn't have said it. Tears welled up and he fought to contain them. 

Suddenly, Xel laughed. "Val! You seriously thought I wouldn't?! L-sama, you're beautiful! And kind, and... innocent. People are drawn to things they aren't themselves, don't you know?" 

_ What? _ "That's not right," Valteria murmured, fighting a blush and uncertainty... fear... joy... fear... "You're beautiful... and you've always been kind to me... and you act innocent..." 

Xel shook his head, hair swinging around it, still smiling. "No... but I can take it as a complement that you think so." He leaned forward and ran a hand through Valteria's hair, curving his hand around the back of the Ryuzoku's skull, fingers splayed. 

The young Dragon froze, heart pounding so loudly it was a wonder Xel couldn't hear it. He was suspended between terrified and burning, fearing the fire flaring in his belly, stretching downward to tighten his groin, the tingling on his scalp where Xel's fingers touched him... yet another part of him was feeding the flames, leaving him lightheaded as he once had been when he'd flown too high and the air was thin. As with that time, he quavered, not knowing what to do: to continue, or to pull back from that brink of the dangerous unknown. For an instant, he pulled back against Xel's splayed grip, but the human's hand was remarkably strong, keeping him there... or was it simply that he wasn't really fighting? He didn't _ want _ to fight... or, at least, most of him didn't want to fight. 

The human was speaking again. "This is a surprise... but a pleasant one." There was something inviting about his smile, both offering and demanding. 

Valteria fought his way out of his layers of fear and confusion and desire to latch onto the words not said but implied. "So you do?" He tried to keep the desperate hope from his voice. _ Gods, no matter how many years older I am than the human, I must seem so childish! _ He hated that thought, wanted to be adult with Xel in a way he was uncomfortable to think upon too long. "You do care for me?" That was why he'd brought up this topic of conversation... to find how Xel felt for him. _ I mustn't be afraid of the result! ** I am no child! ** Xel said it himself, I am certainly old enough for my first... my first lover. And I want it to be him. I... oh gods, I do love him, I do... this fear is normal. _ He stared at Xel intently, wishing Xel would open his eyes to meet his own gaze, not really understanding at all why he never did. 

"Yes," Xel chuckled, and it took Valteria a moment to realize it was in response to his question. For a brief instant, it felt as if his heart actually stuttered, and a knot seemed to gather in his throat. "I care for you... a great deal." Odd smile lingering on his lips, the human pulled Valteria closer. The Dragon didn't resist. He felt like putty after hearing those words, fighting unwanted tears. _ I am no child. I am not going to cry just because he said... well, he almost said... what I wanted him to say. _ It was still difficult to think it, after so many years of having so-called right and wrong drilled into his head. 

Xel's lips brushed Valteria's cheek, wandering down to his jawline at the curve of his throat. He gasped, eyes half closing, as Xel's tongue flickered out and brushed his pulse, fighting down another wave of the confusionfear that came with the tightening in his groin. As the human sucked almost painfully hard on his throat, and his hand wandered over Valteria's bare chest, finding the sensitive spots and teasing them, a sudden, panicked realization came to the Ryuzoku: _ Maybe I'm NOT ready for this just yet! _ It was torture, not an unwelcomed torture, yet still somehow terrifying. _ I want him_, the knowledge was bare in the Dragon's mind, _ but... but... it's too soon! Too fast! I don't know... I don't know what I... _ A plea for Xel to stop got buried as the human removed his lips from the spot on his neck that he was sure was bruised and applied them instead to Valteria's own lips, tongue slipping past to tease a tangled and frantic response from the Dragon's confused body, mind. _ Want. I want him. I want him. I want him. But... too fast, it's all too fast... and... _ His hand lifted and tangled in Xel's hair automatically as they kissed. _ But... but if I don't, I could drive him away. I need him. I need the feeling he brings me. Nobody at home understands me; he understands me. And... I want him. I can't lose him. I can't. _

Valteria closed his eyes and let the feelings carry him away. 

"Shh," Filia whispered as Valteria started awake, the dark circles under her eyes harsh on her pale skin. "Just tucking you in tight. Go back to sleep, Val-chan." 

He shut his eyes as Filia brushed his hair out of his eyes and stumbled back toward her own bed, but did not let himself sleep. Something felt broken inside him. 

_ Yes. That's the way it was. _ A lump stuck in his throat. _ Of course Garv-sama wouldn't want me to remember that. I don't blame him... I... _

I had been ready, of course. Physically, at any rate. Emotionally, I was way out of my depth. I was tossed into the sea and supposed to figure out how to swim on my own. Still... That dream, it had been so real he had no doubts of how he HAD felt towards Xelloss... Xel. _ Love and dependance. Gods, it would be nice to find a time when I haven't been messed up, one way or another. _

The Ryuzoku sighed as he let himself drift off to sleep again. 

Valteria woke to the feeling of long fingers brushing through his bangs, tucking them back behind an ear. "Val-chan..." 

_ Don' wanna get up... _ He felt more lethargic than he had for years. _ P'r'aps if I pr'tend to be sleeping...? _

"Shouldn't you be getting home soon?" Xel sounded as if he'd been awake for hours. 

Valteria moaned and slung an arm across the restless human. "Mmmmm.... not yet..." He snuggled closer, burying his face in Xel's shoulder. He smelled like dried sweat and something else. 

"The sun's rising," Xel chuckled. 

_ I don' wanna go home. Wanna stay here. _ But still... he opened an eye to glare grumpily at the sun, hazy above the horizon. "Damn." 

Xel chuckled again, running a hand over the muscles on Valteria's shoulder blades, fingers prodding them. It had been slightly surprising to Valteria when he realized Xel didn't have flight muscles, although it made sense when he thought about it. Xel had demonstrated fascination with Valteria's own flight muscles... the Ryuzoku felt himself blush again. _ I can't believe we... hummm. I guess I can believe at that. _

The human pushed him back a little, fingers brushing playfully over a love bite from the night before, startling wakefulness and another blush from Valteria. "Go on. I'm not going to go anywhere," Xel murmured, smiling at the startled look Valteria knew was on his face. 

He sighed, and sat up to get dressed. He could feel blood drain from his face as the pain struck. _ Oh gods! _ His lower back was incredably stiff and he felt a combination of bruised and raw in the most embarrassing places... _ I didn't know it would hurt after! _ He tried to hide the pain but clearly Xel had already noticed, smile widening. Xel reached out and touched his thigh lightly. 

"Hurts?" 

Valteria shrugged uncomfortably, standing stiffly and reaching for his pants. 

"It does for the first few times." 

Cheeks flaming, Valteria turned away to fasten his pants, half wondering at the pointless modesty. I mean, it wasn't like Xel hadn't SEEN... _ Oh gods, I'm blushing AGAIN! This is so unfair. _ As he shifted to his half-form, he felt his vertabrae pop. _ It had better be only the first few times, because I really do NOT like hurting like this... _ He glanced back towards Xel, realizing that he'd just acknowledged to himself that there sure was going to be a next time. If he had anything to do about it, at any rate... 

Xel was watching him, eyes turned up in that smile, and something hurt in Valteria's chest. Well, something was hurting pretty much everywhere, but... but this was a different pain. A fear pain. _ I hope I didn't disappoint him in any way last night... he'd have told me if I... don't leave me. _ He didn't dare say it aloud. Saying it would make the possibility real that Xel could go. Hesitantly, Valteria folded his wings and bent down to his new lover, nuzzling his cheek. Xel's smile widened and he turned his head, capturing Valteria's lips, tongue teasing. 

The dragon pulled back first. "You mean it, right?" he asked, hoping he'd kept the anxiousness out of his voice. "You AREN'T going to leave?" 

Xel lauged. "Do I ever?" 

Still carrying that worry, Valteria took a few quick steps, wings unfolding as he took off. Glancing back over his shoulder, he saw Xel stretch out into a more comfortable position on the ground, waving at Valteria. The Ryuzoku tried to put his mind at ease. _ He loves me too. He's not going to leave. Not now, not ever. _

It was a frighteningly short trip back, and his little sister, Braelynn, was wating for him outside. Even from here, he could see the animation in her face, and felt a smile stretching his own. Even with the war, Brae was always there with a joke, a ready laugh. She kept a lot of their spirits up. 

Then he realized she was cat-calling him and he flushed angrily. _ She doesn't KNOW. But by now the elders have probably told EVERYONE that I was out seeing a lover... this is so embarrassing... _

"Hey, lover-boy!" she called out gleefully as he landed. 

He scowled at her, folding his wings. "Shut up, Brae. I didn't ask your opinion." 

She stuck her tongue out at him, unable to keep the excited grin off her face as she brushed aqua hair out of her eyes. Bounding over to him, she gave him a big hug around the waist. A loving action, for certain, but it was all Valteria could do not to shout as pain flared up again. _ I certainly can't let her know I... _

"So, were you seeing your lover?" she asked in a half anticipetory, half teasing tone. 

"..." 

"What's she like? Is she pretty?" Brae demanded, taking his hand and leading him off somewhere, something she was always doing. 

_ She's a he. And, yes, very pretty. _ "None of your business, squirt." 

Braelynn sighed, mock-glaring at him from under her bangs. "Mou. You're mean." 

Filia's worried face peered down at him, eyes still dark with exhaustion. "Val-chan, are you awake?" 

He blinked and raised a pudgy hand to rub his eyes. _ What is she up to now? _

"Filia-mama needs to go and mind the shop," she sighed. "Jiras and Grabos have been trying, but I SWEAR, they're SO clumsy! I want to take you out with me, sweetie, but I have to carry stuff, and I don't want anything happening to you. Someone might step on you or something." 

_ How much does she think I'm in the way?! I'm not stupid enough to let someone step on me! _ Attempting a protest, he drew his lips back to show his teeth and gave a little growl, which came out high and squeaky. _ Now THAT was embarrassing... _

Filia laughed and drew him into a hug. "Don't worry! I'll send Jiras and Grabos to check on you... they'll just be in the next room anyway. You're a big boy, be good and don't get into trouble." 

It was clear she was more worried than she was letting on as her tail popped out, pink bow bobbing as she waved to him. _ A big boy_, he thought glumly. _ Oh, I've BEEN a big boy. Two seperate times. And now I'm a big boy in my head but pretty much useless otherwise... I can't even talk. _

Perhaps... he had knowledge of how to speak, but his tongue and mouth didn't want to work right. For the next few hours, with Filia gone, only working when Jiras and Grabos weren't in the room, he practiced forming sounds until he thought he had at least a few words down. 

Finally, she returned with a cup of tea for herself and some biscuits for Valteria, who bit into them happily with sharp baby teeth, spraying crumbs. "Now what do you say?" Filia teased. 

_ Heh, and I bet you think I can't do it, either. _ "'ga'ou, Fi'a-mama!" 

She nearly dropped her tea. 

"Xel?" Valteria ran a finger over Xel's lips, tracing the smile just before it turned mischeivous, and a pink tongue flickered out to lick at the dragon's finger. He gasped and withdrew it, not upset but not wanting to be distracted. "How long do you think it'll be before the elders figure out?" He ran his fingers over Xel's cheek, a safer touch. 

Turning his head into the carress, Xel sighed. "You mean that I'm male? Don't know. Do you really think they'll care?" 

"I don't know." The Ryuzoku drew his hand back from Xel's nuzzling. "There's something I wanted to ask you, Xel." He wasn't sure how to ask it; it wasn't as difficult as some of the questions he'd forced himself to ask, but it was still personal. _ But if... if he's doing it of his own will, why? It hurts when he doesn't look at me. _

The purple-haired man spread his arms. "Fire away!" 

"You... you never open your eyes," Valteria began uncomfortably, blushing. "Never, not even when we... why, Xel? Why? Are you blind? Only, you seem to see just fine, and..." 

Xel laughed, and there was a slight bitter quality to the sound. "I see just fine. I do it to prevent others from seeing." As Valteria puzzled over this, Xel continued. "It started as a almost pathetically simple assignment, you know. Meet a dragon. Report back news. That's all. Then I got attatched. I knew better, of course; my master - " _ His... master?! _ " - my master may point out how young I am but I am not so young as to think it's all right to get attatched. And yet, somehow, you got into my heart. I didn't even know if I had one!" He laughed again. "I love you. I'm quite the fool for doing so, but I do." 

Valteria shook his head, caught between the greater number of questions and growing fears, and the sudden overwhelming joy at having heard those words. "I don't understand." _ Maybe I shouldn't have asked. I don't think I want to understand... _ "What - " 

Xel turned towards him and opened his eyes. "There. Now you see?" 

The Ryuzoku's jaw dropped as he focussed in on the eyes. "You... you're..." They were rather pretty eyes, like shards of cutting amethyst... pretty if it was possible to ignore that... 

"Yes." 

"A MAZOKU!" _ Gods no. Not this. No. Please. Don't do this to me. No... _ Valteria knew he was staring at those infernal, slit-pupilled dark gems, and couldn't help. "You lied!" Betrayal. _ How could you do this to me!? I love you! You can't DO this to me! _ "You told me you were a human! You LIED!!!" He felt his heart shatter in a thousand bleeding pieces inside his chest. 

Xel looked away, shaking his head slightly, hair swinging around his head. "No! I said things to make you THINK I was human, but I never actually..." 

_ Bastard!! Are you going to try to JUSTIFY betraying me?! How DARE you!? _ "You're nothing but a filthy Mazoku who'se been LYING to me all this time!!" He couldn't help fixating on the little details as he said this, remembering as he gave himself to this... this demon. The rough lovebites, the teasing him about his pain... how could he have not guessed? _ Gods no... why? I loved you! But you never loved me! _ He had let something which turned out to be nothing more than a manipulative creature into his body, into his heart, let him - it - see him at his weakest and happiest moments. Let him GIVE him those moments. And had enjoyed it. "And I... I..." _ I loved you, damn it! But you never felt a thing! _ "Xel..." He hardly realized he'd whispered the other man's name before he broke into harsh tears, tears of pain at it all, feeling ashamed even then at being weak before him now. 

He had no choice but to be weak? And why not? Xel knew he was weak, had used that. He curled around the pain in his chest. _ Not fair! _ His mind cried. _ Why? Whywhywhywhy? Why him? Why me? _

And then he felt those long arms wrap around them as they had so many nights after they'd made love, although of course it couldn't truly have been lovemaking. _ It had been no more than sex to the Mazoku. _

"What does it matter?" Xel whispered, lips brushing his ear. "I'm still me. What does it matter?" 

_ My heart is bleeding its life out in my chest, and you can only think that I shouldn't be offended because you're the same person? But you aren't! The person I thought you were isn't the person you are! _ "You lied to me!" he cried out. "You didn't give a damn about me!" 

"Val, by the time you meant enough to me for me to want to stop lying, I knew that this would happen, so I kept silent." Xel's voice was quiet, almost pained, and his hand brushed Valteria's cheek, forcing Valteria to look at him. He didn't want to look into those eyes...and it stunned him when he saw a reflection of his own pain in them. "I can't stop being Mazoku," Xel whispered, running a thumb over Valteria's cheekbone. "It's what I am, and what I've always been. But what can I do to make things better?" Those Mazoku eyes seemed to be trying to tell Vatleria something, but the dragon couldn't make it out. 

He swallowed, hard. _ It hurts. And, damn it, he's been lying to me. I don't even know why. But... well, he could hardly just TELL me he was a Mazoku, could he? The absolute enemy of my people, the race we're in war with? Perhaps... perhaps I should give him a second chance. _ Still, he couldn't keep the horrible disappointment from flooding him. "You could start by telling the truth..." _ Gods, did he know anything at all about Xel that was true? _ "...who are you, really?" 

Xel sighed, rubbing the spot between his eyebrows as if in pain. "I am Xelloss Metallium, general and priest to the Beastmaster." 

This only served to confuse Valteria more. _ The who? _ he pulled his knees to his chest and rested his chin on them. _ He can't expect me to know how the Mazoku hierarchy works! _ "The Beastmaster?" he asked, feeling stupid. "Who's he?" 

"She." Xel leaned his head against Valteria's shoulder. "She's one of the five generals under Shabranigido." 

Just hearing that name made the Ryuzoku's blood run cold, and his eyes widened. "You're kidding!" Another thought struck him, and his heart clenched. "Then you're not just _ a _ Mazoku, you're one of the most powerful!" _ I really ** have ** been sleeping with the enemy... _ He tried to shake that, focussing on something else. "If you're a general, shouldn't you be in battle, not... well, here?" _ With me? _

Valteria could feel Xel shake his head, slowly, as if measuring something. "That is not currently my master's... role in the war, so it isn't mine either." 

"But if you're not a fighter, then what - " Valteria broke off, cursing mentally, realizing what the other main role was in battle. He felt cold all over. "You're a spy. L-sama save me, you're a spy." _ And I've been helping you. How many people are dead because of things I've said offhandedly? _

Xel chuckled slightly, and Valteria's muscles tightened at the sound. "Spy is such an ugly word. I'm just an information gatherer. Don't worry. Nothing you've said has yet been used against anyone." Valteria couldn't help but notice the 'yet'. "Mainly I've just been learning the way Ryuzoku think. Don't worry, Val. You haven't done anything to doom your people to death." Xel stroked his cheek again. "You know, Val, I'm glad I've gotten to tell you this. I really didn't like hiding things from you." 

Valteris sighed, running his hand through his hair and feeling, for once, terribly old. "Okay. I can deal with all this. I can deal." 

_ I can... ow. _

Valteria opened his eyes wide as he fell off a counter and hit the floor. _ That hurt, damn it! _ He debated breaking into tears to catch Filia's attention and maybe make her think about the problems with leaving a baby on a counter, but she was already racing towards him. 

"EAAA!" Filia cried, scooping the baby up. "I'm such a bad mother!" _ Well, it's not like she got practice... _ "Are you okay?!" 

"O'ay," Valteria agreed, dropping his anger, and squirming in her arms to have a good look around the main shop room. 

Filia placed him on the floor, then knelt a few feet away. "Crawl to Filia-mama, Val-chan!" 

_ Crawl? _ Valteria blinked. _ Damn. I have to learn everything all over again... _

Carefully, he slid his knees under his stomach and tried to lift his body with his arms. And failed. 

Valteria sniffled and tried again. Pudgy arms shakily lifted him, and he slid a knee forward. Lifted an arm, moved it in front of him, and slipped. His chin hit the floor below him, startling hurt and frustrated tears to his eyes. 

"It's okay," Filia soothed. "Keep trying, Val-chan! You're doing great!" 

Red hair trailing like a tail, flying, and those beautifully lashed, hard Mazoku eyes encouraging, harsh voice urging him on. "Keep tryin', Val-chan!" Falling over during a spin kick, those strong hands catching him. "Sure it's hard to adjust to a new body, but your doin' great! Keep tryin'!" 

_ Garv-sama? _

Suddenly, delicate arms scooped him up. "Well done, Val-chan! Well done!" 

Valteria blinked, coming back to himself. _ Yes. I'm Valteria. I just... crawled. _

Filia was singing to him, swinging him around and around, and two other voices seemed to be blending in with hers. 

"Go away?" It hurt just to think of it. He _ needed _ Xel! The Mazoku couldn't just leave him! "What do you mean? You can't go! I..." 

Gently, Xel shook his grip off, sad smile lingering around his lips. "I'm sorry, Val. I'd stay if I could. But I have to go." 

Desperately, Valteria wrapped his arms around Xel's waist, burying his face in the Mazoku's stomach. _ He can't leave me. He can't! I can't continue without him! _ Xel may have lied to him, those months ago, but still held his heart and needs. "You promised you wouldn't go," the dragon reminded him, wanting to cry. "You promised. Don't break your promise." Xel was pulling away, and Valteria realized he must be on the wrong track. "What can I do to make you stay?" 

"You can't, Val. I'm sorry." Xel's voice was soft, and he'd stopped pulling away, stroking Valteria's hair, tangling his fingers in the strands as he often did when they made love. "It's the war. I have to become a factor in it. I'll try to come back someday - that's a promise - but I've got to go. I've been ordered." 

_ I don't care about your orders! I'm more important that your orders! I hate this war! I hate it! _ "Disobey the order," Valteria begged. 

Xel couldn't seem to stop a smile. "I can't. Not 'I won't', but I _ can't_. She gave me power and has power over me. I have to go." He pulled Valteria to his feet and looked at the dragon. "Don't worry. I'll see you again, no matter what the circumstances are." 

Valteria took the half-step forward and buried his face in Xel's shoulder, not wanting to let the Mazoku go. "What will you be doing?" he asked bitterly, hating whatever it would be that would drag his lover away from him, when he needed him. 

Xel's fingers tightened in his hair. "Don't ask." 

"But..." 

"Don't ask," Xel repeated. "You don't want to know, so don't ask." 

_ He's going to be killing other Ryuzoku_, Valteria realized, shocked. But what could he say? He didn't want more Ryuzoku to die, but he didn't want to lose Xel either... "Don't die." 

As always, the Mazoku smiled. "I won't." 

Valteria fought back tears. "Do... do you have to go right now?" he asked quietly. 

"No," Xel sighed, moving closer. "Not yet." 

He was being bounced, and didn't like it. Valteria opened his eyes and inhaled golden hair. He coughed, then growled, already grumpy from the dream and his abrupt awakening. Raising tiny fists, he started hitting Filia over the head. 

"Ara!" Filia exclaimed, unslinging Valteria from her back. "You're awake!" 

"Du'id Fi'a-mama," he grumbled, deciding at the last minute not to swear at the woman carrying him. He tried to spit out her hair, looking around, suddenly realizing that they were outside. "Wh - we?" 

Filia giggled. "On our way to the baths. I want a bath and you..." - she swung him around - "...need to get clean. Ne, Val-chan?" 

"Mm." Valteria lost interest and cuddled into Filia's arms. The hold the memories had on him was strong, now, too strong, when he had so little to do but sleep. _ Perhaps my power is beginning to wake up again... 't'd explain why I'm so tired... _ He blinked awake. _ Can't sleep until after the bath, though. But after that... _

Valteria landed in an empty street. "Where - " he asked the empty sky, trying to keep his heart light after Xel's leaving. 

Someone wrapped her arms around his waist from behind him, small head burying into the small of his back, and Braelynn's voice complained. "Oh, the Elders are all off at some sort of war council. Worry, worry, worry, like always. It's okay, though, we're so out of the way I can't imagine any Mazoku bothering with US!" She released his waist and tugged at his arm, smiling at him with that astonishing energy. "Ne, walk with me?" 

Feeling a smile touch his own lips, her presence lifting his heart, he let her lead him. 

"It's such a beautiful day," she sighed. "Hardly a cloud in the sky. I bet the wind's awful fierce up there, though. Makes me want to fly today." 

"Aa," he agreed. "But you know the hatchlings aren't allowed out." 

She pouted and stomped a foot, transferring her gaze from the sky to him. "Oh, yeah, Mr. High-and-Mighty! YOU got to fly!" 

He crossed his arms. "I'm older than you." 

"You think just because you've got a lover you're better 'n me! Well, I'm gonna get myself somebody, just like you, and then everyone'll treat ME like an adult!" 

That hurt, but he tried not to show it, gazing at the sky again. "You're too young for a lover, Brae." He shielded his eyes with a hand. Something flickered in the sky. "What was that?" 

Braelynn blinked at him, then gazed up at the sky as well. "What was what? I don't see anything." 

"I don't really... there it is again!" he cried, pointing at the metallic blinding flash. "Look, gold. I think it's coming this way!" 

His little sister bounced excitedly. "Gold Dragons! It's gotta be! I bet it is! I've never seen one before, d'you suppose they're pretty?" 

They were damn quick, and it was more than one; at least a hundred filled the air, blindingly. Valteria took a step back as the one in the lead hurdled down and arched back, buffeting its wings to land in front of them. "Definately a Gold," Valteria agreed dryly. "Many golds." Something else caught his eye, and nervousness settled in the pit of his stomach. "And they're armed." 

Braelynn hid behind him, pushing against his back. "Is a battle coming this way?" she whispered. "Are they here to help?" 

Valteria stepped forward. "Can I help you?" he called to the Golds. "I'm afraid the Elders are all in a war council, but if there's anything _ I _ can do for you...?" 

The Gold in front of them looked them up and down. "Children," he rumbled with a disgusted tone in his voice. 

Braelynn's grip tightened on Valteria's arm. "I don't like him," she whispered, a tremor in her voice. 

"A child Ancient Dragon is still an Ancient Dragon," one of the flying Golds called down to the one on the ground. 

"True," he agreed, then nodded his head at Valteria. "Yes, you can help us." 

He bowed slightly. "I am honoured. What can I do for you?" 

"You can die." As the words sunk in, and Valteria's eyes widened, he felt a burning pain sink into his side, Holy Spear of the Golds forcing its way through skin and organs. Everything slowed. Belly wound. _ Of all the ways to die... _

Braelynn screamed, and Valteria's mind snapped back into normal time. _ Oh shit! _ Well, he wasn't dead yet. "Brae!" he screamed, spinning and using his strength to toss his sister as far away as possible. "Flee! Get help!" Catching herself, she transformed in mid-air, clawed feet pushing herself away from the ground, tail slapping against it, no doubt painfully, still screaming as she headed for the council. 

"Go after her!" a Gold shouted, and Valteria span back to face them. 

_ Like hell, you bastards. You are NOT getting my sister! _ "I'll take you with me to Hell first!" he screamed, transforming immediately. But only three stayed with him, the others flying past in all directions. _ Oh, great Cepheed! Protect her! Don't let them get her! _ "Fight ME, you damn traitor bastards!" 

One of the Golds actually snickered at him. "Listen to the chi - " 

"Don't underestimate him," another warned. "He's still an Ancient." 

Behind him, Braelynn's scream suddenly stopped. _ Oh gods. _ Valteria was cold, and he was dizzy with blood loss and shock. _ All gods above and below... Cepheed... HOW COULD YOU LET THIS HAPPEN?! _

More spears jabbed into him and he screamed, eyes opening wide as they pushed past scales with no difficulty. He couldn't reach them while they were so far away; that would be why they'd chosen that weapon. He roared in pain and fury. _ Brae... oh gods... Brae... _

He had to get revenge. Had to. No matter what the price. But he couldn't do it like this! They were going to kill him before he could get any of them! Lashing out at one, a Spear peirced his claw. _ I need TIME! _ He screamed, letting it die to a gurgle as he pretended to faint, spiraling to the ground. 

They stabbed him a few more times, trying to be sure of their kill, and it hurt, gods, it hurt, but he forced himself not to react. Those wounds... left too long, they would be fatal. Maybe they already were. And he was certain that the Golds would deal a sure-death blow any minute now. 

Yet, miraculously, they assumed he was dead, and left. He lay still for another minute, pain circulating over him, then painfully transformed into his human shape... a smaller form. They mustn't see him. No matter what, they mustn't. If they did, there'd be no way to get revenge. 

He crawled away, wounds burning in his body like minature suns. The skin was healing, but the real damage was inside. Where could he go? Nowhere was safe. But... where, that he could reach, would the Gold Dragons not consider going? 

Of course. The desert. None of the Ryuzoku would ever dare to enter there. _ So... there I will go. What's the chance that the Mazoku who live there will notice me, anyway? If they do - I don't doubt I'll die. Xel's the only Mazoku I'd dare trust, but Xel's... different. _ A wry smile touched his face around the pain. _ But if I don't go, I'll die for sure. _

Valteria quickly lost track of time, hiding, dodging, scrambling always towards the desert, covered with a pain both emotional and physical. He missed Xel. He wanted Xel to stroke his face and tell him it was okay. He wanted his sister. He wanted to break down and cry. But Xelloss was gone. His sister was dead. And he didn't have time to cry. He only had his vague goals... the desert, and later, revenge. 

Finally, sand was under his feet, and he skidded down a sand bank, landing hard and jerking his wounds, but forcing himself not to cry out. For a moment, he was afraid he'd been heard anyway, as four Golds paused, flying overhead, but they did not see him. 

A bitter smile touched his face. They'd die. They thought they were winning now, but... _ I'm going to kill them all. _ The wounds shot pain and he gasped. _ If I live that long. _

He tried to get up and stumbled, pain too strong now, and he collapsed. _ They say belly wounds are the worst way to die... I can't die here, I need revenge... _

A shadow fell over him, and he looked up to see one of the hugest men he'd ever seen. Rough and mean-looking, with... _ Oh, shit _ ... Mazoku eyes. 

"You look like shit," the Mazoku said bluntly. 

_ I KNOW what I look like, asshole_, Valteria thought darkly, watching the Mazoku stand there watching him die. "Have the Mazoku come to laugh at our death as well? This damn war always leaves us in the middle." _ I hate you all. _ Angry, hurting and needing to get the pain out, he tried to tranform again, to fight. But blood exploded form his wounds, just beginning to regenerate, and he collapsed again, wings disappearing painfully into his back. _ Damndamndamn... Gods, I'm dying... _

The Mazoku's next words were almost gentle, from such a harsh creature, watching him. "I feel for you, Ancient Dragon Valteria. D' you fear death?" 

_ He's taunting me. _ "Huh." There was a bitter irony there; it wasn't a choice any more. Yet he wasn't ready to give in yet; he pulled himself into a crosslegged position to show he could do it. "Doesn't matter." _ Everyone else is dead or gone. Why shouldn't I be as well? _

"You're the same as me," the Mazoku said, tone almost surprised. 

That startled him. "What?" _ Me? The same as a Mazoku? Couldn't happen... _

"I'm bein' hunted by the Mazoku," the large man explained. "It's the same, right? I understand. After seeing you, I thought I'd save you." 

_ He... can't... the same? Save me? _ "Save?" 

"So how about it?" the Mazoku asked. "Wanna cooperate?" 

_ Why bother? I'm DYING, damn it! He must know that! _ "What for?" he asked tiredly. 

The Mazoku shrugged expressively, muscles moving under the trenchcoat. "Dunno. To stay alive, I guess." 

_ This from a Mazoku? Wanting to work together? And... he's no weak Mazoku either. _ Ma-Ryuou Garv, he guessed, the one general he knew something about, since he'd dwelled so close by. "You're sounding a little weak," he said, trying to find out Garv's reasonings. 

"'S not that," Garv snorted. "The only thing that would piss them off is stayin' alive." 

_ Them. The Mazoku hunting him. The Ryuzoku hunting... who hunted me. They're the same, at heart, aren't they? Yeah. I want to make them mad. Futilely, because they'd never be able to make me stop. Nothing they could do. But... aw, hell. He means well, I guess. _ Valteria forced a chuckle. "Yeah. But it's a little late." _ I'm dying. _

"There are ways," Garv began. 

_ Ways? I can live? I can survive to get revenge for Brae and the others? _

"You'll die once and then come back to life as a Mazoku," the dark lord said, something odd in his eyes. 

_ He understands_, Valteria realized. _ That's why he said we were the same. He knows what it is to be hunted down by your own race... he understands how badly I want revenge. He understands! And he's going to give me a chance!!! _

He... understands. 

But... become a Mazoku? I'm Ryuzoku! To even consider ** becoming ** a Mazoku is... is... 

Is one hell of a chance for revenge. If I die, we all died for nothing. Brae died for nothing. But if I live, I can take the damn Holy Spears of the Golds and shove them down their throats. 

And, wistfully, following after. _ And I'll be able to see Xel again, like we promised. _

He tasted blood in the back of his mouth, and pain racked him. He didn't have much time left... 

_ Damn the Ryuzoku anyway. If what the Golds did was what Cepheed encourages, what a Ryuzoku should be proud of... I don't WANT to be a Ryuzoku any more! _

Valteria looked up at the large Mazoku who continued to stand there, waiting, watching him. Understanding. In that moment, Valteria made his decision. 

"Huh," he wheezed around the pain, actually smiling. "Doesn't sound that bad." 

The Mazoku lord drew his sword, and Valteria stumbled to his feet, trying to ignore the agony throughout his body. The world seemed to spin, and he stumbled. _ Focus on Garv. Focus. _ It seemed to take an eternity of pain until he reached, falling against the Mazoku's chest. Garv's arm wrapped around Valteria, cradling him almost gently, fingers tangling in his hair. Vatleria's eyes drifted shut. _ Feels nice... almost the same as when Xel holds me... sweet. Dying here wouldn't be that bad... _

And then a sword slammed through his gut and he looked up into Garv's eyes, as, for a long moment, his body went numb. "Nobody will regret my death," he whispered, and then the numbness, horribly, vanished, pain screaming though him. The agony wasn't so much the cutting pain of the blade itself, but a pain extending beyond physical wounds, the pain of something completely alien to everything he was. Valteria screamed, searching for an escape from the pain, anything, ANYTHING... and that alien whatever was there, offering itself. Desperately, he reached for it, took hold... and everything went blank. 

"Val-chan! Val-chan!" 

Valteria startled awake, breathing still harsh in his ears, little whimpers escaping his throat. He looked around wildly, not recognizing anything. _ What? Where? _

Filia's worried face composed itself out of the blurs across his vision. "Are you okay? You were..." 

All the pain washed him again: the pain of losing everything he had, the pain of dying. Memories of death and pain... "Fi'a-mama..." he sobbed, holding his arms out in what, for some inexplicable reason, he expected to be a futile gesture. 

But she scooped him up and held him close. "Oh, Val-chan..." 

He didn't want to cry; he'd always hated crying. But now all the years of not mourning properly - for what he'd lost, for what the world had lost - seemed to have built to a head, the sobs exploding from his throat with appalling force. It was all there in those choked cries, all the betrayals, false hopes, Brae, Xel, Garv... all there. Broken eggs with unborn children, hate, blood exploding from black-scaled throats, anger, blood dripping from golden spears flashing in the sun, Brae... finally voiced in the sobs of a young child who could in no way be considered innocent. 

He finally quieted, as Filia held him and rocked him gently, sobs dying to hiccups. Still lost in memories. _ Brae... Xel... why did you leave me? Everyone left me! Even Garv left me in the end! Everyone left me! _ Except for the woman now rocking him, his mother now. 

It was still there, the pain, had been there for too many long years to ever leave, but they were no longer screaming for release as they had been before. 

"Was it a nightmare?" Filia asked. 

A nightmare. So many years, a nightmare. Valteria didn't try to answer, just buried his face in Filia's shoulder and let the tears slow to a stop. 

Val sat up in bed suddenly, waking from a strange but comforting darkness. "Wha - " his voice was harsh as though from screaming, throat tickling rawly. 

_ I... I'm not in pain. _ Carefully, he touched his stomach over his wound, feeling scar tissue and a slight jab of pain. But the wound itself had scarred, something that Val hadn't expected to live to see. _ I'm alive! _ With growing excitement, he touched his other wounds, finding the same. But he slowed as he reached his face, tracing the scars from chin to cheek and slowly raising his hand to the scar on his forehead. His head was heavy; there was something wrong about that... 

His hand touched cool bone, like - 

"Eh? You're up already?" 

Val squeaked in surprise as he heard the voice. "Maryuuou-sama! He tried to spin around and... he wasn't sure what, abase himself or something... _ That's what a servant like me does, right? _ But he lost his balance, tangling in the furs and falling off the pile of other furs that was his bed. "Oof..." he wheezed, tangled. 

Garv laughed, and Val didn't think he'd ever felt so ashamed. _ My first day as Garv's subordinate and I'm already screwing things up. He's going to regret helping me, I know it... _

Yet Garv simply picked him up, furs and all. "Ma, ma. Stay in bed. You're still weak from the change." His voice was warm, not angry in the least. 

_ The c... ah, yes. Mazoku. _ The word still didn't seem to fit properly for himself yet. "Maryuuou-sama..." he said hesitatingly, still uncertain as to what his role was to be with this strange Mazoku. 

"Enough of that!" Garv scolded, placing him back on the fur bed. "We're partners, right? Call me Maryuuou only around other people. To you I'm Garv, huh?" 

_ Garv... and I'm ... Valgarv. He gave me my name... his name. _ He looked down and toyed with a fur to hide his confusion. As the silence stretched, he looked for something - anything - to say. "Garv-sama, what's this thing on my forehead?" 

"Eh?" Garv leaned forward, tilting Valgarv's head back with a touch of his finger, startling a panicked rhythm from his heart. "Looks like a horn." 

_ Well, I'd guessed that! _ Valgarv didn't voice his sudden amusement/frustration. "Yeah. But why's it there?" 

Garv shrugged casually. "How the hell should I know?" he asked mildly. "I make you a Mazoku and it pops up. Pop." He demonstrated with his hands. "It's just there. Why the hell does it matter?" 

"Well... it doesn't," Valgarv admitted, raising a hand to touch it. _ Other than it's another bit of proof that I'm no longer who I was. _ He looked around. "Um... where are we?" 

"My sub-domain in the Desert. Don't worry," he added, when Valgarv started, realizing how close he was to where the Gold Dragons had attacked him, "nobody can get here. My Desert, yeah, but not here. Not the Dragons, and not that bitch or the other Mazoku." 

Valgarv blinked. _ Just a ** little ** bit of bitterness there... _ "'That bitch'?" he asked. 

"Eh?" Garv snapped out of his dark scowl. "Oh yeah, you've pro'lly never heard of her. The Beast-fucking-master. Gods above and below, I hate her." 

"What'd she do?" Valgarv asked, half his mind wondering why the name was vaguely familiar. _ Can't remember... must have heard the councilmembers saying it while discussing the war or something... _

The Mazoku lord waved his hand. "Well, she... and I... years ago... she..." he hesitated. "Fuck, it's better to ask what she HASN'T done. I don't remember what started it anymore. But I hate her and she hates me. Who the hell cares what started it? I still wanna see her dead and bleedin' on the ground in front of me. Or better, beggin' for my mercy..." He smiled, lost in his thoughts. 

Valgarv reached out slowly and touched Garv's shoulder. It was hard under his fingers, all muscle. "Garv-sama?" 

"Eh?" 

"...I'd like to help you get that." He could feel a dark smile lingering about his lips and liked it. 

Garv blinked, then, to Valgarv's complete surprise, wrapped him in a bearhug tight enough that all his breath wooshed out of his lungs. "You and me, eh?" Garv laughed. "Partners! And nobody'd better get in our fucking way, eh?" 

"Uhgggg..." Valgarv wheezed in agreement as his ribs creaked. 

The Mazoku released him, and he fell back against the rugs, sucking in air. 

"Rest now," Garv said gruffly, seemingly embarrassed at his display of affection. "You're still pretty weak, you know? I'll check in on you." Without looking back, he strode out of the room. 

Valgarv watched the tail end of Garv's ponytail fly around the corner and felt, suddenly, overwhelmingly lonely. _ Everybody's gone. Don't leave me alone! Please, don't leave me alone right now, Garv-sama! _ But he didn't voice the words, merely buried his face in the furs and fought to contain tears. 

Valteria woke to the usual morning sound of Filia scolding Grabos and Jiras. "Mou, you two," she was cursing. "Grabos, you _ have _ to watch where your feet are! Tripping over merchandise is not allowed! And you, Jiras... you can NOT light the candles with gunpowder!" 

"But, boss..." 

"AND DON'T CALL ME THAT!" 

"Yes bo... Filia-sama." 

_ Of course_, Valteria thought numbly, listening to the noise from the main room, _ even Garv-sama left me in the end. _ He felt miserable. _ He didn't want to, but... he's dead. Like my people. He's never coming back. And Xel... _

Damn. He mused deeper into his latest memory with a sinking heart. _ I was right... not once did I think of Xel... Xelloss... not once. But I... cannot think that Garv-sama didn't mean the best for me... oh, Garv-sama! _ It hurt, even now. _ I can't blame him for erasing the memory of the servant of his most-hated enemy. I trust him! I do! _

His mind travelled back, and he corrected himself, _ Trusted. _

"...Oh, you're hopeless! Watch over Valteria-chan while I take care of the customers!" 

Jiras came into Valteria's line of sight. "Hi boss," he whispered. 

Valteria raised his hand and wiggled his fingers, greatful at the respite from his past. 

The fox grinned. "You're such a cute little kit... it's hard to remember sometimes that you're boss..." 

The young Dragon sweatdropped. 

"Shit!" Garv swore, jumping up and interrupting his own story. "Gods fucking DAMNIT!" 

Valgarv hadn't been in good shape the next morning, both physically and mentally. He had broken down at an absent word from Garv, shuddering with sobs barely held in check, but not explaining why, not wanting to say it. Garv had held him and patted his shoulder uncertainly, comforting him as best he could, then had tried to take his mind off things by teaching Valgarv history - the Shimma war, in this case. 

The new Mazoku stumbled out of bed, surprised at Garv's outburst. "Huh, what? What's going on?" 

"One of the Beast-fucking-master's servants just fucking entered MY Desert!" Garv ranted. "Fucking BITCH!" He started to head towards the door. 

Unsteadily, Valgarv weaved over to Garv. _ I've gotta help him, prove my worth! _ "I'll go with you!" 

"Like hell!" 

_ I'm useless to him_, Valgarv realized. 

Seeing Valgarv flinch, Garv sighed and put his hands on the new Mazoku's shoulders. "Listen, Val. You're still recovering from your rebirth. You're barely out of bed, and you shouldn't even BE that! I can take care of some snot-nosed Beastmaster fucking slave. This whole thing's been for nothin' if you die before you get revenge on the godsdamned Golds, huh?" 

"Shit," Valgarv said softly, torn between desire and need. _ He's right, damn it, he's right... I want to help so badly, but... _

"Good," said Garv, correctly interpreting Valgarv's expression and leading him back to bed. "I shouldn't be more'n an hour, and that's not for the fight but for tracking him down." 

Valgarv waited nervously, counting breaths to count the time that had passed. _ Three thousand five hundred and ninety-two... three thousand five hundred and ninety-three... I hope he's okay... stupid Val, of course he's okay... three thousand five hundred and ninety-five... _

"Stupid fucking hell," Garv muttered as he strode back in. "Godsdamnitall..." 

"Garv-sama!" Valgarv felt relief flush through him at the sound of the now familiar, near-constant swearing. "What happened?" There was blood on Garv's hands. 

The Mazoku lord sat on the edge of the bed. "Some lesser Beast servant, as I thought." He snorted. "Bloody fast bugger, too. Had to chase him through the place where the Ancient Dragons used to live before I caught him." 

Oh, it hurt, that 'used to live', it hurt. Valgarv tried to squelch the pain as it started, squelch the growing bout of hysteria, hoping none of his feelings had crossed his face. "B - but you did catch him?" 

Garv held up his blood-soaked hands and grinned. "You bet! Heh." A slightly worried look crossed his face. "Think he got off a message to old Beastie first, though... well, not much for him to have said." 

The new Mazoku nodded, lowering his gaze. 

Hesitating a moment, Garv dug around in the pocket of his trenchcoat. "And... while I was there... I found somethin' you pro'lly want to keep." He pulled it out... a small thing that didn't seem likely to make Valgarv's heart stop the way it did. 

A simple, handheld toy, a clacking noisemaker shaped like a stem with two cherries. It had, of course, been painted red, but the dried, rust-red flakes sticking to it had never been intended to be there, shouldn't have been there. 

Brae's favourite toy. 

Carefully, painfully, he reached out and took it from Garv's large hands, holding the 'stem' between finger and thumb. The wooden 'cherries' clacked together as he brought it back to himself. 

He wasn't quite able to choke back a sob as he remembered all the times Brae had sat next to him, chattering away about this or that, cherry toy clacking a counterpoint to her words. "Thank you," he whispered to Garv, hating the harsh, tear-filled quality of his voice, wanting respect from Garv, not pity. 

"Huh," Garv said. "Family?" 

Valgarv nodded. "My... my little sister." _ Oh, Brae... _

"Thought so," the Mazoku lord muttered. "I seemed to recognize her." 

Looking up, he asked. "Recognize?" 

Garv shrugged. "You were practically my neighbours; I watched all'v you now and then. How did you think I knew your name?" He hesitated, seeming to pick his next words carefully. "Didn't catch hers, though." 

"Her name is..." _ Gods, no... _ "...was... Br - " Valgarv felt harsh tears running down his face and swore softly. "Braelynn. I called her... Brae..." He wrapped his arms around himself as he choked on his tears, unable to hold them back but trying to stall the mourning keen starting in the back of his throat. Shudders racked through him. _ Never again... _

The Mazoku lord just watched for a second, then carefully took the toy away and placed it beside the rugs. He pulled Valgarv close and embraced him, uncomfortably. "T'sokay, Val. We're goin' to kill those fucking Gold bastards and then you'll feel better, right?" Awkwardly, he patted Valgarv's back. 

But the words were coming now and wouldn't stop. "...Godsdamned bastards... all of us, they killed all of us..." he choked. He could feel his scars throbbing dully. "...even the hatchlings, they stabbed those damn spears into the eggs... couldn't even defend themselves..." 

"And they're gonna die for it as soon as you've got some trainin' into you! Then they'll fuckin' pay!" Garv shook Valgarv slightly. "I guess if you gotta cry, you gotta cry, but remember, they're gonna pay." 

Valgarv choked. "Of course they're gonna fucking pay! I wanna hear them scream and beg for my damned mercy until they're all dead, just like the Ancient Dragons!" 

"That's the spirit, Val!" 

He faltered. "I just wish that... even if it's only for a few minutes... that I could forget... I keep seeing it, hearing it, again and again... I just want the pain to let up long enough for me to take a new breath..." He was getting vague and hated it, but couldn't describe his feeling any better. "And they always leave me alone, everyone, everything, and I hate it, I hate it! I hate being lonely like that..." He trailed off again, realizing he might have offended Garv. 

Garv ran his hands through Valgarv's hair, and the new Mazoku looked up to see an odd look on the Mazoku lord's face. "G... Garv-sama?" 

"Huh." Garv's arms tightened around the ex-Ryuzoku. "Damn it." 

It almost hurt, the strength with which Garv was holding him. "Garv..." 

Then, suddenly, Garv released him. "Val." 

"Hai?" Quickly, Valgarv wiped away tearstains, cursing his weakness. _ Garv's so strong, he must have lost all respect for me now... _

"Val... whaddya see when you look at me?" That odd look was even stronger now. 

The question caught him completely off guard. He had no idea why Garv would ask him such a thing. _ What do I see? _ He had to be honest. There was no way he'd deliberately hurt Garv, but he wasn't going to lie about anything, so after recovering from his initial shock, he thought it over. Garv waited. If he took offense, it wouldn't be because Valgarv had said anything wrong. "I see..." he faltered awkwardly. "I see... someone who tries to show the world that he doesn't care about anything, but can be very gentle when he chooses to be." _ You are to me. _ "Someone who, despite being immensely powerful, can view a much weaker person as an equal on the basis that if he tries, he can be that powerful too. Someone who views a person as a person no matter what reason you have to hate them." _ I was Ryuzoku. You were Mazoku. Yet you saved me anyway, because you recognized the situation I was in, and the anger and pain at it. _ "I see someone strong in body, mind, and spirit." 

A smile crossed Garv's lips briefly, before vanishing. "I didn't mean to put you on the spot, Val. Do you really see me like that?" Before Valgarv could reply, he continued. "I don't know. Most of it, maybe. But I think you're givin' me too much credit with the last. Strong in body? Yeah. Sure I am. I've had thousands and thousands of years to become strong in body. I mean, look at me. Could they respect me for anythin' else? Strong in mind? I know which way the wind's blowin', that's for sure. I'm no book-learner, but I'm not stupid. But still, I'm not up there with some of 'em. If I decide on a path to take, I'll take it, no matter what it'll do to anybody. My subordinates know that." Valgarv hadn't known Garv HAD subordinates, but it made sense. "Even now they're tryin' to gather power away from me, probably to defeat me someday. Hell, for sure to defeat me someday. They're loyal to a point, that's to say that they'll keep on servin' me as long as I'm too strong for 'em to take and as long as it benefits 'em. But when the tables turn, which someday will happen, they'll be tearin' me apart like hungry scavengers." Tiredly, seemingly otherwise unaffected by that revalation which Valgarv found so horrifying, Garv ran a hand through his hair. 

_ How could they ** do ** that?! Garv's so strong when he has to be and so gentle when he wants to be! He's got to inspire loyalty! He... I could NEVER do to him what his own people are... _ Valgarv didn't want to be impulsive, to risk this growing confidence, respect Garv was offering him, but he looked into Garv's lowered eyes and saw there the same thing he'd been feeling aching like a dying coal inside him, that horrifying loneliness and the innate knowledge that Garv felt, as Valgarv felt whenever he was alone, that the loneliness was the only thing awaiting him in the future. So he acted without thinking, reversing their positions in comfort of only minutes before, throwing himself forward and embracing the Mazoku Lord tightly across the shoulders, cheek against cheek. "I will NEVER do that to you. I will never hurt you, or abandon you, or anything like that! It may come down to the two of us against them, but then it will still be the TWO of us." 

Slowly, Garv raised his arms and wrapped them around Valgarv. "I know, Val. Y'know, I think you're the only one I can trust?" His voice was always harsh, but at that moment, it was harsher than usual. He chuckled, uneven edge in the sound. "Strong of spirit, huh? Well, look at me now." Still, he didn't release Valgarv. 

Valgarv sighed into the shoulder of Garv's trenchcoat, then said what he had to believe, to make it through however many years awaited him without his race. "Just 'cause you're lonely, it doesn't mean you're not strong. Everyone who's alone who makes it through is strong." 

"Or stupid," Garv groused. 

The new Mazoku couldn't hold back the chuckle bubbling up in his throat. "I know which I'd rather believe _ I _ am." 

Garv joined him in laughter. "That's for sure." He loosened his grip, and Valgarv slowly pulled back, wondering at his reluctance to do so, closing his eyes in thought. He'd felt so comfortable there. _ I won't let you be alone, Garv-sama. Perhaps we can be not-alone together. It would be nice to not feel alone. I don't when you're here. Maybe I could feel it when you're not in sight, too, if we're not-alone together. _

One of Garv's large hands brushed his cheek, and his eyes popped open as surprise flared through him. "Garv-sama?" 

"Whatcha thinkin' about, Val?" 

_ No point in trying to hide it. _ "Just that..." He flushed, and was surprised at it. "Just that, if we're both going to stand by each other the whole way, it's kinda dumb for either of us to be lonely..." 

Garv's lips moved, as if trying to say something, and then he grinned hugely. "I suppose you could think of it like that." His fingers were still brushing Valgarv's cheeks, tracing the scars, and he suddenly felt unbelievably hot. 

_ What's wrong with me?! _ The Mazoku lord's rough, sword-callused fingers brushed his lips and he couldn't stop the catch in his chest which caused him to inhale, sharply. _ Damn. I know what's wrong with me. _ He'd have to be innocent not to know, and at the moment he didn't feel innocent at all. 

He hovered there for an infinitesimally small eternity, between the acceptance of all that he was, all that he had to be, now, the take-what-you-can attitude that Garv seemed to bring forward in him, and... something, holding him back, though he wasn't sure what, screaming at him for attention... he was finding it so difficult to think... and all this time, his hands had acted on their own, tangling in Garv's hair, his body leaning forward as his mind hovered on the edge of some undefinable moment... 

And the moment snapped, carried away as strong lips claimed his, and the voice calling for attention vanished into his lonely void, the lonely void which he hoped to never encounter again, leaning into this sudden warmth after the cold. 

Valteria woke to the sound of Filia shouting - again. He sighed, cute smile lingering around his lips. _ I can't believe I almost forgot it happened like that... oh, Garv-sama... why did you have to die?! _

"YUWEN!" Filia screamed from the other room. "What are you DOING?!" 

A male voice, one he didn't really recognize. "I'm proposing to you, of course." 

Valteria's eyebrows shot up, thoughts of Garv almost forgotten for the moment. _ Oh my my my. _ He clambered over the side of his crib, wincing as he thumped to the floor, and speedily crawled to the door into the main room, to see a young male Gold, dressed in the fashion of the Kaltaart region, kneeling at Filia's feet. 

Filia was still sputtering. "You've got to be kidding! I'm a working girl! I - I have a store to take care of!" 

_ A good-looking man_, Valteria decided, watching Yuwen rise. _ Rather typically Gold-looking, but he seems nice enough. She could do worse. _

Yuwen took ahold of Filia's hand. "If you will marry me, you don't have to take care of this place. I'll support you! You can come away with no worries." 

Grabos scooped Valteria up and Filia, pulling away Yuwen, rushed over and took him. "I have a child to raise!" Filia cried, holding Valteria out. "I don't have TIME for a ... a wedding or anything stupid like that!" 

The Gold man waved a hand. "Leave him with those pet monsters of yours," he shrugged. "They seem to make good enough nursemaids." 

_ I take it back. She could do better. _ Valteria narrowed his eyes at Yuwen and growled squeakily. Out of the corner of his eye, he saw Jiras reach surrepticiously into his cloak. 

Filia had gone _ very _ still. "I beg your pardon?" 

Yuwen shrugged. "You don't need to take care of the kid. Why bother, when you can get those creatures to do it for you?" 

"Get out." Filia's voice was cold as ice. 

The male Gold blinked. "Wh - what?" 

"I said get out," Filia snarled again. "You have no idea the kind of person I am, the reasons I have for doing this! I never even want to see you again. Never show your face back here again." 

"But I - " 

"Get OUT!" Filia swung her mace and Yuwen dashed out the front door, leaving it swinging behind him. 

Sinking to her knees, Filia sighed, and Jiras came over and laid a sympathetic hand on her shoulder. "'t's okay, boss. Lots 'n' lots of people around here are in love with you. Lots of nice 'uns, too." 

"Don't call me 'boss'," Filia replied automatically. "And... and I only wish that they'd understand how I feel..." 

"You've been through a lot," Grabos pointed out. "And they haven't. But one day someone nice's gonna walk through those doors..." 

Filia laughed, pulling herself together. "I only hope." 

"Val?" 

Valgarv stirred sleepily in Garv's muscled arms, soulachingly tired. _ I still can't believe THAT happened... only I CAN. Huh... I guess I must've said the right thing... _ "Yeah?" 

Garv shoved slightly at Valgarv's shoulder. "Move over." 

"Huh?..... oh!" Valgarv flushed, unaccountably embarrassed, and skidded over. Garv followed, sighed, and tossed an arm over Valgarv, making a sleepy noise. 

_ How can I be so innocent after all this? _ Valgarv wondered, waiting for his blush to die down, toying idly with Garv's smooth ponytail, somehow not come loose. _ I lost practically everything... gained something back... lost my - _ His blush flared up again and he tried to force his mind away from THAT, focussing on Garv's hair. So soft, while everything about him seemed so harsh. _ At this length, it must take hours to make it look like this... _

OH! Valgarv's eyes widened. _ Oh... my poor Garv-sama... you must want so desperately to be good-looking... it shows in your beautiful hair. _ But Garv had never really had a chance to be handsome. _ I hope he realizes that even with a rough body like his, he still has an extremely attractive heart... _ "Garv-sama?" 

"Eh?" Garv opened an eye. 

Suddenly, Valgarv's throat closed around the words he'd wanted to say, and he had to find something else to say instead. "I... I want to cut my hair." 

Garv sat up straight, knowcking Valgarv back a little. "You gotta be fuckin' kiddin'!" he exclaimed. "You've got gorgeous hair an' you wanna fuckin' CUT it?!" 

Valgarv swallowed and nodded. 

"WHY?!" 

"Because..." Valgarv began desperately. "Because it's not me! Valteria had hair like this... but Valteria's dead! He was bleeding to death when he stumbled into the desert and was killed by a sword thrust! I'm not Valteria, I'm Valgarv, Garv-sama's partner!" He let his voice die away, uncertain of what was right to say. 

Garv shook his head. "Huh," he said. "I guess you DO have a reason to waste somethin' so godsdamned pretty." He leaned over and scooped up his sword from where he'd discarded it beside the furs, then pulled Valgarv's hair into a tight ponytail above his head. "Don't move." 

_ Like I'm gonna! _ Valgarv shut his eyes and suddenly his head felt much lighter, jerking his chin up. The edges of his hair tickled his neck, and he opened his eyes to see Garv disposing of the long hair with a palmful of fire. Half-dazed, he reached up a hand to touch the shorn edge of his hair. _ Well, there's another decision there's no going back on... _

The Mazoku Lord turned and examined him critically. "Huh. Not quite." Garv snorted and whipped the tie out of his own hair, letting it fall like a red river around him. Smothing their hairtie out, he pulled it into a long strip and wrapped it around Valgarv's forehead, under the horn, knotting it in back and tucking the loose ends in. Again, he paused to examine Valgarv, then spiked up some of the hair from the top of his head, letting it fall over the headband, large hands moving deftly, fast from swordskill. 

"There," Garv said, satisfied. "You don' look the same, butcha still look good." He reflected Valgarv in the swordsblade, scrolling up. 

The reflection looked nothing like Valteria, and another bit of who he'd been fell away, lost forever. 

He smiled. "I like it." 

Filia was crying. 

Valteria heard it and was alarmed. It was odd, the way he'd begun to think of Filia as his mother; though his other memories were coming clearer, he could still hardly remember his true mother. His sister, yes... but... 

He crawled into the other room, where Filia sat at the table, gazing at a teacup and crying. Jiras and Grabos were nowhere to be seen; he was the only one able to do anything. 

_ If only I could ** talk ** properly... _

Crawling up to her seated figure, he tugged lightly at her skirt. "Fi'a-mama?" he asked, hoping his concern came out in his tone. 

Filia reached down and scooped him up, cuddling him tightly. "Oh, Val!" 

Carefully, he wrapped child's arms around her neck. 

"It's just too much, sometimes, knowing so many things! I don't want to know them, I can't even deal with them all that well! I hate it!" Her arms tightened almost uncomfortably around him. "I just want to break down in somebody's arms, and Jiras and Grabos are good friends, but it's not the same! I know he's out there somewhere, but he's not _ here_!" 

Valteria felt hot and cold all at once. _ Oh no. Oh ** no**. Who? _ He couldn't help remembering the person she had seemed to spend all of her time with, though the time had been spent arguing. _ She can't be in love with Xelloss! Only... why should I care? _ Bitterness lodged in his stomach. _ It's not like he loves ** me ** any more. Still, I don't ** know ** it's him. _ "Fi'a-mama... who?" 

The Ryuzoku woman sighed. "I wish I knew. I know it's not the selfish kind like... like Yuwen!... but I don't know who it _ is _ ... There's someone out there for everyone, right? So who's out there for me? I know who it isn't, but I don't know who it _ is _ ..." 

Reluctant relief flooded him. _ Stupid Val. _ "Fi'a-mama young," he ventured. 

She laughed slightly, ruffling his hair. "That's right, I guess. I'm still young. And Jiras is right, there's lots of nice people out there." Sighing, she dropped her head slightly. "Perhaps I should give them a chance..." 

Inhale. 

_ Control. Left leg forward, forward fighting stance. Push fist forward as if meeting resistance... _

Ex-ha-le. 

Inhale. 

_ Shift back leg to the left. Turn at the waist - _ For an instant, he lost balance, world spinning around him, and a curse escaped through clenched teeth. _ Concentrate, damn it! It doesn't matter that I'm not used to my body like this, I have to ** learn**! _ He caught his balance. _ Push fist forward as if meeting resistance. _

Ex-ha-le. 

Inhale. 

_ Left leg up even with right, horse stance. Groin block. Arms pull up to break hold. Back - _

Garv's hand clapped down on his shoulder, and he stumbled, losing balance, but caught himself again. "Garv-sama?" 

"Good work, Val," Garv said gruffly. "Siddown. There's a few things I need to talk to you about." 

Obediently, Valgarv sank to the floor. "What's wrong?" 

"Shit." The rebel Lord ran a hand across his eyes. "How can I tell you this - ? You gotta give up on the Golds. Somebody else got there first." 

The sound was like ice being poured in his ears to circulate his veins. _ No. _ He couldn't have heard what he'd just heard. It was a choice between anger or tears. "What the hell - ?!" 

"Sorry." 

_ No. I've been living for this. They can't... no... _ "All of them?" His voice came out quiet, with an almost pale quality. 

Garv shrugged, gazing at the floor. "I think the hatchlings and some children are alive." 

_ I'm no child killer, not like those bastards! _ Golden spears, shattering an egg. Absently, Valgarv picked up his sister's cherry toy and began clicking it. _ Why, gods?! Why do you hate me so fucking much?! _ "Who?" 

"The Beastmaster's General and Priest." Garv was watching him carefully. "Which brings me to the other problem. You've got a visitor." 

_ Nobody knows I'm here... _ "Why? Who?" He heard the tone of hurt anger in his voice and hated it. 

The Mazoku Lord sighed. "As to the why, he wants to congradulate you for survivin' or somethin' like that. As to the who... Xelloss, the Beastmaster's fucking General and Priest. 

It took a moment to register, and then Valgarv's head snapped up, fires burning in his eyes, in his heart. _ Bastard. Fucking bastard. He took away the only thing I chose to live for! I've got Garv-sama but what good will I be without my revenge?! _ His voice, when he spoke, started astonishingly calmly. "I'm going to kill him. I'm going to smear his brains all over the fucking back WALL!!" He knew he wasn't looking all that sane but didn't really care at that point. "WHERE IS HE?!" 

Garv jerked a thumb towards the door. "Front room. Go on." He smiled, an oddly dark expression. 

Valgarv stalked past Garv and down the cave halls. Anger gave him strength and for the first time his body felt like it belonged to him. _ Bastard! _ The servant of the Beastmaster turned as he strode in, smile on his damned face. Smiling. 

Tall and slender, with shoulder-length purple hair, he seemd familiar to Valgarv for an instant; that momentary recognition passed almost as soon as it came. _ FUCKING BASTARD! How DARE he smile after this?! I'll wipe that fucking smile off his face... _

As he glared at Xelloss, the Priest and General's lips twitched. "What DID you do to your hair?" The tone was far too familiar. 

_ That's it. _ Valgarv rushed him, grabbing a fistful of his cloak and slamming him against the far wall. "Give me one reason not to kill you right now," he growled, voice low. 

"Truce sign," the purple-haired Mazoku said, waving his hands placatingly. "Hear me out, Val..." 

_ 'Val'? What the HELL?! _ "What kind of fucking right do ya think ya have to be so familiar with me?!" Valgarv slammed him against the rock again. "What kind of right let ya kill them?!" 

Xelloss placed his hands over Valgarv's wrists. "They had to die. I thought they'd killed you, Val. How could I not - " 

"WHY THE FUCK WOULD _ YOU _ CARE?!" Valgarv shook him again. "Nobody cared! You act like I mean something to you, but why would I? I hate liars!" He drove his fist into Xelloss's gut. "The only person who cares for me is Maryuou-sama!" 

The hateful bastard had finally stopped smiling. "Valteria..." 

"I AM NOT VALTERIA! VALTERIA IS DEAD! I AM VALGARV, MARYUOU'S PARTNER!" He punched the other Mazoku again. "Ya took away the one thing I chose to live for: revenge! For that, I'm gonna see ya bleedin' your life out at my feet!" He had fallen into Garv's style of speech without thinking about it, incoherant with anger at this damn Mazoku's daring. 

Xelloss's eyes were hidden in shadow. "If you meen that, if you truly... if you view yourself as one of Garv's people, we will be enemies." 

_ That's exactly what I want, skinny boy! _ "Naw, 'cause I'm goin' ta KILL ya first!" He raised a hand again, but suddenly Xelloss was no longer in his grasp. He spun to see the Priest and General floating in the middle of the room, black aura shining around him. 

"I will retreat for now, due to the truce sign." Xelloss's words were somehow threatening and immensely angry. "Next time we meet, I will kill you." As Valgarv charged him, he phazed out. 

"Damn!" _ I'm going to kill that little bastard. Going to kill him. _ The pain was there again, welling up in his chest and throat. _ I can't get them for you any more, Brae. But I can get him. And I will. You wait for it. _

"Val?" Garv asked harshly, behind him. 

"Gonna kill him." 

Garv seemed to accept that, a smile breaking across his features. "Then you're goin' to haveta train harder. But I bet you can do it." 

_ It was my fault. He didn't start it. Xelloss didn't start it. _ That hurt, that hurt a _ lot_. _ Garv-sama may have had me forget, but I was the one who severed it in the end. _ Why wasn't anything ever easy? 

_ Xelloss had reasons for what he'd done. Garv had other reasons? And me? I don't think I ever understood my own reasons. Gods. _

That was when he heard the voice in the other room and, for a moment, thought he was still lost in dreaming. 

"Ne, ne, Filia-san, can't an old friend drop in to see how your business's doing?" 

"GET OUT!" The sound of crockery shattering was loud, even from the other room. 

"You really should watch that, I'd bet some of these things are irreplac - " 

"I SAID GET OUT!!!" More things shattered. 

A tsking noise. "Now THAT's a shame, I was actually thinking of buying that..." 

_ He's actually here! _ Valteria froze. _ What should I do? I can't just stay here, but... gods! _ Slowly, he started to clamber over the side of his crib. 

"Is the mace for sale?" 

"Just wait - " Crash " - 'til you see - " Shatter "The PRICE!!!" 

"Bet it costs and arm and a leg, the way you're waving it about." The smile was audible in his tone, even over the sound of breaking goods. 

Valteria crawled to the door and was immediately lifted up, tossed in the air, and caught again. _ I think I left my stomach back on the floor.. urrg... _

"Why, if it isn't little Valteria." Xelloss smiled at him, eyes hidden behind the smile. "Long time no see." There was a very, very slightly overtone of menace, unnoticable unless one were to look for it. 

_ Urk... uh, is this a bad thing? _ Xelloss probably wasn't the kind to forgive and forget. 

Filia's voice was very calm. "Put him down, Xelloss." 

"Why, can't I even greet an old buddy?" Xelloss laughed, holding Valteria just a little too tightly. "What, are you his guardian now?" 

Valteria could hear Filia's breath hiss between her teeth from across the room. "Yes, Xelloss, yes I am." 

"Saa?" Xelloss's grin widened. "Ah, just wait until he reaches adolesence and pulls away from you. I hear that's the worst part of motherhood, the pain as the one you love denies all association with you." 

_ Oh shit. ShitshitSHIT! _

"Give him back, Xelloss." 

The Mazoku just smiled, tossing Valteria up in the air and catching him again. 

_ What do I do? What do I DO?! _ He knew what he had to do. _ Well, better late than never... huh, never thought I'd be telling ** him ** this... _ As Xelloss hefted him again, Valteria tangled his fingers in the shoulder-length purple hair, stopping the next toss. Xelloss 'hmm'ed as Valteria searched his face, looking for... something. _ Perhaps it's been too long for a hope of ever having what we used to have... perhaps too long for even forgiveness, but... damn it, can I forgive ** myself ** if I don't try?! _

He took a deep breath, pudgy baby fingers tightening in Xelloss's hair. "Sowwy!" 

"Eh?" The Mazooku juggled him against his side. "Why would you be sorry?" 

Filia snorted. "He's just learning to talk and repeating what he hears from people. Don't assign too much significance to it, Namagomi." 

_ You are not helping, Filia! _ He shook his head rapidly. "'s wrong! _ Sowwy!_" 

Xelloss chuckled darkly. "Really? I don't think so. You aren't the type to be sorry. It makes one seem uncertain." 

_ Is this really the same Xel I've been remembering, secretive but someow gentle? _ Valteria wondered. _ No, this is the same Xel, but with a thousand years more experience and pain... gods, how much of this is my fault? _ He knew it might seem vain to think that he might affect Xelloss like that, but... _ This has become more... or less... then just Xel. This is Xelloss. _ "Cou'n mememer den. Mememer now..." _ Damn my tongue, I can't say this right! And it doesn't help that Filia's here... _

The Mazoku seemed intrigued then, nothing more. "Remember? Remember what?" 

_ Damn it, understand! Please understand! _ "Memember _ you_! Back den!" _ I have to say it, make it clearer. I'm sorry, Filia. _ "Cou'n mememer mee'in you, fi's dime. Memo'y gone.. Dought fi's dime was af'er massac'!" It didn't matter which massacre, really. Both happened in such a short time. 

Xelloss's brows had creased and his smile had gone. Valteria could hear Filia make a surprised noise behind him. 

"Are you telling me," Xelloss asked, "that you remember everything about both lives? Ancient Dragon and Mazoku? And that, while you were Valgarv, you were unable to remember certain events from being an Ancient Dragon?" 

_ YES!! _ Valteria nodded rapidly. 

"And why should I believe this?" 

As Valteria's heart fell, Filia took his side, recovering quickly from her shock. "For one thing, you're talking to him like an adult." 

Xelloss continued to wait, amethyst-shard eyes focused on the child. 

_ I don't want to say this. _ It felt like his heart was tearing apart. _ I don't... I don't want to say anything bad at all about my Garv-sama, but Garv-sama is... dead. I love him, but he' s gone, and I can't... have him back. _ Even now, even in this situation, it hurt. He could feel tears well up. _ Damn it, no weakness, not now! _ "Ga'v." 

"Garv?" Xelloss's eyes widened. "Ah. I see. No, he wouldn't want you to remember anything positive about his enemies, would he? That does make sense." He sighed, holding Valteria out, and Filia took him, the hair sliding through the child's fingers. 

Valteria looked up into Filia's slightly stuenned eyes and winced inwardly. _ It's not my fault that she thought I... well, why SHOULD I have been an ordinary child?! What use is a second chance if you can't remember what went wrong the first time, learn from your mistakes?! _ Still, it had to have been a shock. "Sowwy, Fi'a-mama..." 

She just shook her head, then turned him in her arms to face Xelloss as the Mazoku began to speak again. 

"But even knowing you had no real choice, do you think I could just forgive you?" The Mazoku's face was hard. "Even Gourry could break a memory wipe." 

_ No. No, I didn't think you could forgive me. But I hoped. I... I guess I didn't want to fight the memory wipe - I was... happy... with Garv-sama, and I was angry with you. But... _ Slowly he shook his head, voicing the thoughts that his tongue would allow. "No. Bu' I ho'ed." 

Suddenly, Xelloss smiled. "Well, you're a child now; I don't see why I have to decide whether to forgive you or not just yet. I'll hang around and think about it." His grin widened as he met Filia's eyes. "Unless your mother would mind? 

Filia's nose pinked. "I can't _ stop _ you. This IS a public shop." She sniffed. "But! Don't expect me to like it or help you or even expect me to let you touch any of the goods in the store or anything, Namagomi Mazoku!" 

"Great." Xelloss smiled lazily. "Make me some tea?" 

"OOOH!" Filia ranted, juggling Valteria to yank out her mace. "I am NOT your servant!" 

_ So. He hasn't accepted my explanation... but he hasn't rejected it either. I wish I knew his reasons. _ Valteria smiled, watching Xelloss dodge Filia's angry mace swings while hanging on to her arm for dear life. _ Perhaps... I can still hope... his reasons for not rejecting me are the same as mine for finally apologizing. _

Unwillingness to end the poor, frayed thread still between us.  Author's Epilogue 

OWARI!! 

Okay, I'd just like to say that although this does seem to bear some resemblence to Amanda's Child of... series, I actually started to write this 5 months before I read it. _ sweatdrop _ It kinda freaked me out, actually... neway, this has taken.. _ stops to think _ 8 months to write. Wow. 

And for those who are confused, the timeline. (0 is the starting point for TRY) 

-1224 = Xelloss born 

-1197 = Valteria born 

-1010 = Kouma war begins, 

-1009 = Xelloss becomes Juuou-sama's General and Priest, Garv rebels. 

-1008 =Ancient Dragons try to stay out of the war and keep the young enclosed in their territory. The Beastmaster sends Xelloss to spy on the Ancient Dragons. Valteria sneaks out, and Xelloss and he meet. 

-1007 = Further meetings, they begin to fall in love, Val more innocently than Xel. Confession and first... ahem. Xelloss later reveals his identitiy, and then later goes to fight in the war. 

-1006 = Ancient Dragons slaughtered by Gold Dragons, Garv saves Valteria from death, wipes his memory of Xelloss, CREATION OF VALGARV. Later, Valgarv learns from Garv and starts to fall in love. First... ahem. 

-1005 = Golds slaughtered by Xelloss. Xelloss and Valgarv meet again; Valgarv tries to kill Xelloss. Not shown: futher training, battles with various Mazoku. 

-932 or so = Kouma war ends. 

-2 = Death of Garv. 

-1 = Valgarv attempts to use Alumace, grows powerful. Beastmaster assigns Xelloss to kill Valgarv. 

0 = EVENTS FROM TRY - REBIRTH OF VALTERIA! 

1-3 = Filia takes care of Baby Valteria, who begins to remember. Long scenes of such. Valteria and Xelloss meet again, and discuss things. 

Understand now? 

Email me at harukami@pop3free.com, onegai! This took even longer to write then all of Powers together, methinks! 

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